Over the last few years, I’ve shared my Dad’s diagnosis of Alzheimer’s and bits and pieces of our journey. From all the emails and comments I’ve received, (and thank you…you don’t know how much all your support and sharing has meant to me) I know there are many of you in similar situations. So, as difficult as this is to share, if I can connect with even one of you, it will be well worth my tears as I write this.
I’ll start with the long and agonizing journey my Dad went through. His forgetfulness and confusion. His changing personality. His constant need for supervision. The bouts of anger and aggression. His lack of mobility. And in the final stages, the inability to swallow food or even take a sip of water. The Alzheimer’s stripped him of his memories and awareness, yet left him with all his feelings. A cruel disease.
Alzheimer’s also includes the family on its devastating ride.
At it’s worst, along with feeling frustrated and angry, helpless and guilty, I remember wishing my Dad’s suffering to be over. There were times I would leave the Long Term Care Home and feel SO angry that he was ill and his personality was changing. I had some thoughts cross my mind that I NEVER would have imagined I would ever think. Now I realize, all the negative feelings and thoughts were my minds way of trying to cope with my breaking heart. The heartbreak and sorrow of watching my Dad battle this disease felt unbearable.
I can’t tell you how many tears my sister and me have shed over the last 3-4 years — and especially in the last few weeks as we saw the end approaching while Dad still tirelessly hung on. He was tough. He was stubborn. And even in this horrible illness, he was going to leave us HIS way.
My Dad died at 7:30 p.m. on September 25/2018. He died with Andrea and me on either side of him holding each hand, peacefully.
If there’s a silver lining to this disease, it’s all the love and kindness that surrounded us on our journey.
The tireless hours my sister put into caring for Dad and making sure the care he was getting was exceptional. The staff at the Long Term Care Home that treated us like family while Andrea and I were there for 3 full days and nights while Dad took his last breaths. They kindly prepared us for what was to come. They brought us hot tea, warm meals, and recliners plus blankets to nap on. They also shared stories of Dad dancing with the staff, eating ice cream, causing a ruckus and joking around while he was still somewhat able.
I also feel incredibly grateful to have had the chance to say all the things I needed to say to my Dad before he passed. All the I love yous, thank yous and goodbyes were a blessing. And even though he couldn’t open his eyes, I was assured hearing is the very last thing to go — so I hope and pray he heard me.
The best tribute I can leave for my Dad is to live a good life that includes all the positive traits he taught me by example.
I want to remember him as he was before Alzheimer’s. The Dad who showed me unconditional love and was ALWAYS there for me. The Dad who ‘ticko-tickoed’ my back as a little girl, taught me how to drive as a teenager, and helped me with anything and everything as an adult.
I can’t tell you how many times he was drop dead tired from working overtime, yet he still helped me fix my first car or repair something in my very first condo. After all, he was the ultimate handyman. Plumbing, gardening, electrical, sewing, mechanics, cooking, welding, woodworking, and yes, even furniture repair, upholstering and refinishing — there wasn’t much the man couldn’t do — and for his family, there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do.
It’s taken me a long time to write this post because every time I sat down to write, I couldn’t see through my tears. Grieving a loved one is never easy. And he wasn’t just my Dad, he was my friend — and the first man I ever loved.
To honor him, I’m going to dry my tears and be strong. And I’m going to remember all the good times… because I know that’s exactly what he would want.
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Hi Denise,
I’ve been neglecting blog reading lately and just catching up on my favourites.
I was saddened to hear about the passing of your father. He sounded like an amazing father who loved his daughters as much as you two loved him.
I too know how deeply you will feel his absence from your life. Remember him healthy and happy!
He will forever be in your heart,
Annie, my friend… so good to see you! I hope you’re well. 🙂 Yes, Dad was amazing. These past 4 months without him have had their ups and downs. Some days I still have a good cry because he’s so missed — and other days there’s laughter and smiles thinking about the things he’d say or do. Thank you for leaving this beautiful message Annie. Means a lot. x
I’m so sorry for your loss,..I too know what you are going through my father had that awful Disease And he got it at 60 years old and lasted 10 years.. I didn’t grow up with my father but I did visit him where he was staying and I couldn’t believe it was the same person that I saw growing up 😔 . It’s been 18 years since his death and I wish things would have been different between us .at least you and your sister got to be with him at the end…God give you and your family strength and peace .
Thank you Sandra. x And I’m so sorry for your loss as well.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My Dad died a year ago from the same illness and I know he wouldn’t want to be remember in his last days. I too remember the man he was before. Funny and so talented with a hammer. Best Wishes
Thank you Bobye and I’m so sorry for your loss too. I know my Dad would feel the same.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I read it with tears in my eyes thinking of my dad…I’m wishing you peace.
I’m so sorry for your loss Denise. Thank you for fighting through the tears to write this. You definitely connected with me because my husband and I are going through exactly the same with each of our Mom’s having Alzheimers at different stages. It feels like such a long, slow goodbye and the emotions can be overwhelming. We’re so lucky to have family members looking after our Moms in their own homes right now (my sister even quit her job to look after Mom full time) but it will likely come to the point where we need a long term care facility. Neither my sister nor brother-in-law have their own lives right now and I don’t see how they can possibly continue to provide round the clock care as this devastating disease progresses. We’re in the GTA: would you be willing to share the facility where your Dad received such amazing care?
Hi Sara, and thank you. I’m so sorry your family is going through this. It’s heartbreaking and overwhelming for sure. Every family member with Alzheimer’s will have different LTC requirements so what was helpful to Dad, may not be the same as for your Mom or MIL… but when it got to the point where caring for Dad was no longer possible, Andrea and I made up a list of requirements, researched online, and then actually put in some leg work and visited over a dozen LTCF. We found the ‘unscheduled’ visits were more helpful rather than getting a scheduled tour – although this isn’t normal protocol.
So sorry for your loss Denise, thank you for sharing. Its very easy to see the strong bond you had and its so hard to see them go. The cycle of life, what a joyful, and painful truth. What a wonderful person!
Dear Denise,
Thanks for sharing and I’m sincerely sorry for your loss. It’s said that death is part of life and it is , but knowing that doesn’t really make it less painful to lose someone we love. I know how hard it is to lose a parent . It was probably the most difficult time of my life.. It’s been 14 years since we lost our Mom and I still think of her everyday. But from experience I can tell you that time truly does heal the pain. It was a while before I could think about her w/o crying, but now I think of her and I smile. I feel grateful that I had her . Let yourself grieve and in time you’ll be able to think about your Dad and it won’t hurt, it will feel good t remember him.
I can relate Kelly. I lost my Mum back in ’96 and not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. I know it will be the same with Dad too. Thanks so much for this Kelly. x
So sorry for your loss, I can just imagine how hard the last 4 years were for you and your sister.
You’ve written him a beautiful tribute.
Sadly I know your pain. I watched both my in-laws succumb to this awful disease. It was especially hard with my father in law because he was a robust, healthy, giant of man in body and soul. To see his shrunkinness broke our hearts. I knew him long before marrying my husband and he was one of the funniest people I had ever know and so full of life. You were blessed and will forever be blessed by having your father and growing in your sadness and pain (though no one wants that it happens anyway). Blessings always and memories abound
Thank you Angel, and thanks for sharing. Your father in law sounds like he was wonderful and yes, it’s so difficult.
Thank you for your kind words about the long term care facility. I worked almost 10 years as a activity director in long-term care. So many are so scared of placing a family member in such facilities, but many are filled with caring people who help families through the worst times of their lives. Not only did I work in our facility but 2 of our family spent their last years there. I was so thankful that they we safe and well cared for. Thanks for speaking out about this difficult subject in such a heart wrenching time. With deepest sympathy for you and family, Lorin
Thank you Lorin. It was by far the hardest decision we ever had to make. In our minds, Dad was going to stay in his home till the very end. But one thing we learned (and I hope anyone reading this going through the same type of situation takes to heart) family members cannot provide the proper care needed once this disease progresses. I can’t tell you what a blessing all the PSW’s, nurses, doctors and staff were. My hat is off to all you caregivers who do such amazing work.
thank you for sharing the wonderful tribute to your father.. peace and a big hug to you Denise.
Thank you CC.
Oh Denise, I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagibe how hard the last few years have been for you, and I imagine although devastating, that this brings you some peace knowing he is finally free again, It sounds like your Dad was pretty amazing. Big hugs, my friend. XO
Thank you Christy.
My heart aches for you. What a loving daughter you are to write such a wonderful tribute. I read you story between the tears….having lost my own mother on Sept 1 without being able to say goodbye. God bless you are your sister.
Thank you and I’m so sorry Peggy. My heart aches for you too.
You know I know what you went and are going through my friend and I am sending you the biggest of hugs. My heart aches for you as you find your way through the grief and replay all the memories of these past four years and beyond. You are in my thoughts. xo P.S. Your father was a very good looking man
He was handsome, wasn’t he?… you just made smile. Thank you for this Marie and I know you know. XO
A beautiful, heartfelt tribute to your father and a testament to the strength of his daughters.
Darling girl, what a beautiful tribute. I feel your pain, having gone through the same with someone so special. Your father was a very lucky man to have had someone as caring as you.
Best wishes.
My heart goes out to you. I lost my Mama to pancreatic cancer in August and it is SO hard. Words are never enough, but thank you for being brave enough to share your experience. The only cure for grief is to grieve. Wishing you peace and comfort.