Over the last few years, I’ve shared my Dad’s diagnosis of Alzheimer’s and bits and pieces of our journey. From all the emails and comments I’ve received, (and thank you…you don’t know how much all your support and sharing has meant to me) I know there are many of you in similar situations. So, as difficult as this is to share, if I can connect with even one of you, it will be well worth my tears as I write this.
I’ll start with the long and agonizing journey my Dad went through. His forgetfulness and confusion. His changing personality. His constant need for supervision. The bouts of anger and aggression. His lack of mobility. And in the final stages, the inability to swallow food or even take a sip of water. The Alzheimer’s stripped him of his memories and awareness, yet left him with all his feelings. A cruel disease.
Alzheimer’s also includes the family on its devastating ride.
At it’s worst, along with feeling frustrated and angry, helpless and guilty, I remember wishing my Dad’s suffering to be over. There were times I would leave the Long Term Care Home and feel SO angry that he was ill and his personality was changing. I had some thoughts cross my mind that I NEVER would have imagined I would ever think. Now I realize, all the negative feelings and thoughts were my minds way of trying to cope with my breaking heart. The heartbreak and sorrow of watching my Dad battle this disease felt unbearable.
I can’t tell you how many tears my sister and me have shed over the last 3-4 years — and especially in the last few weeks as we saw the end approaching while Dad still tirelessly hung on. He was tough. He was stubborn. And even in this horrible illness, he was going to leave us HIS way.
My Dad died at 7:30 p.m. on September 25/2018. He died with Andrea and me on either side of him holding each hand, peacefully.
If there’s a silver lining to this disease, it’s all the love and kindness that surrounded us on our journey.
The tireless hours my sister put into caring for Dad and making sure the care he was getting was exceptional. The staff at the Long Term Care Home that treated us like family while Andrea and I were there for 3 full days and nights while Dad took his last breaths. They kindly prepared us for what was to come. They brought us hot tea, warm meals, and recliners plus blankets to nap on. They also shared stories of Dad dancing with the staff, eating ice cream, causing a ruckus and joking around while he was still somewhat able.
I also feel incredibly grateful to have had the chance to say all the things I needed to say to my Dad before he passed. All the I love yous, thank yous and goodbyes were a blessing. And even though he couldn’t open his eyes, I was assured hearing is the very last thing to go — so I hope and pray he heard me.
The best tribute I can leave for my Dad is to live a good life that includes all the positive traits he taught me by example.
I want to remember him as he was before Alzheimer’s. The Dad who showed me unconditional love and was ALWAYS there for me. The Dad who ‘ticko-tickoed’ my back as a little girl, taught me how to drive as a teenager, and helped me with anything and everything as an adult.
I can’t tell you how many times he was drop dead tired from working overtime, yet he still helped me fix my first car or repair something in my very first condo. After all, he was the ultimate handyman. Plumbing, gardening, electrical, sewing, mechanics, cooking, welding, woodworking, and yes, even furniture repair, upholstering and refinishing — there wasn’t much the man couldn’t do — and for his family, there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do.
It’s taken me a long time to write this post because every time I sat down to write, I couldn’t see through my tears. Grieving a loved one is never easy. And he wasn’t just my Dad, he was my friend — and the first man I ever loved.
To honor him, I’m going to dry my tears and be strong. And I’m going to remember all the good times… because I know that’s exactly what he would want.
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I’m so sorry for your loss Denise. What a beautiful post you’ve written, and how lucky you were to have had such an amazing Dad. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you Linda. x
Oh Denise I am so sorry for all your pain . I can feel how hard / exhausting that was to write . What beautiful feelings and memory of your Father you transmit us .IYou have Loved Him so much and so well . I hold your answer and compassion toward me in my heart and will get back to answering back one day . Your message came just in time to put my crushing day in balance .I wish You to be so aware of your Father’ s Presence that it makes you giggle as you notice every little instant of it .
Love . Catherine
P.S , No answer needed I know You are there , rest !
i am so sorry for your loss. may be be in peace and resting well. may you and your love ones find comfort in the days, months and years ahead. so much love in this post. HUGS!!!!
Written beautifully and with love. May your hearts find peace.
Oh I;m crying for you, in sympathy, in empathy and in memory. I am so sorry for your loss. Both your loss wh;en your Dad started to go away and your loss when your Dad’s body finally passed. Altzheimer’s IS a VERY cruel disease. My grandmother passed very much like your Dad,.When my mother was told that she had a very short time, she was So Thankful that she wouldn’t linger like her mother.. It was a major worry for her.. Again, my heart goes out to you and your family. You are in my prayers.
Thank you for sharing. May you and your sister find the peace that you need in your time of grief. Continue to celebrate life of your Father and not the death. How blessed you are to have such a wonderful Father.
Peace
Denise, I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing. May God heal your broken heart.
You’re Dad was an awesome father I can see that in his pictures how lucky you all were. You wrote a beautiful tribute. I had the same kind of Dad and a similar heart wrenching ; life changing journey towards his death although lymphoma slowly;agonizingly robbed us all of him. Three years later the grief is better and the love ,laughter and memories are still with me. You and your sister will be okay. I’m keeping you both in my thought and prayers. Cindy
I feel your pain and I’m so sorry about your Dad. Both my parents ended up with Alzheimer’s, though my Mom went through hers alone while my father had his wife with him. They lived in an Assisted Living facility. I quit my job and took care of my mother until I injured my back bathing her in the bathtub. That was scary, I couldn’t get myself or her out of the tub for a scary hour or so. I finally gave up and put her in a nursing home, but it just about killed me to do so. I wanted her to stay in her own home, but finally I had to give up and give in. My Mom was similar to your Dad, a Jill of all trades. She could and did do everything, sewing, crafting, refinishing furniture, etc. She had to, with 7 kids, we couldn’t afford much, but she was so creative.. She finally became like a child, her big blue eyes shining as she sang to her baby doll. I was grateful that she didn’t understand what was happening anymore, isn’t that terrible of me? But she was so frustrated and angry before that point. And having to explain over and over that I was her daughter and not some strange bossy woman who came in her house and did her housework, etc. No one who has not gone through it would possibly understand the heartache of her losing a lifetime of memories….my greatest fear is that my children will go through the same thing with me. I’m contemplating ending my life if I am aware of getting this cursed disease.
I’m crying while I read this Denise because I know what went through and all the heartache and feelings that come with it. My sister and I wanted to keep Dad at home also – but it was impossible. It was the hardest decision we ever had to make. I understand feeling guilty for some of the thoughts you may have had but you have ABSOLUTELY nothing to feel guilty about. Your Mum was lucky to have you.
Oh my- my heart is right there with you
We lost my father in love a year ago.
Thank you for sharing the silver lining it really
touches my heart to hear your story – it’s precious
Thank you for sharing and being transparent and
brave as you wrote thru the tears- sharing our
story with others was definitely part of the healing.
Thanks again- God bless you!
Darling girl, I relate to your experience and feelings on multiple levels. For nearly 10 years I worked as the fitness and leisure services director in an upscale senior retirement community. Although it was independent living and not specifically a memory care facility, nonetheless I watched many of our senior residents (some of whom became dear and cherished friends) slowly “lose their muchness” ~ physically and mentally. It’s heartbreaking. But it’s part of life. I, like you, did all I could as part of their world, to love them and help them LIVE their lives right up to the end. You were blessed with a wonderful dad and you blessed him as a devoted and wonderful daughter. Comfort yourself with the beauty of that mutually fruitful relationship and the knowledge that he will never truly leave you because he lives in you.
The flip side of our shared experience is not so kind: it is grief. Three years ago my only child put a gun to her head and ended her life. She was 20 years, 6 months and 19 days old. It was over a boy. What an utter waste of a life full of promise. She was smart, funny, beautiful, and had a tender heart. I looked forward to one day seeing her graduate from college, get married and have beautiful babies, and growing in grace and wisdom. None of that will ever happen, and the loss has left a gaping hole in my heart that seems will never heal. If I can say one thing to you that may help you manage your own grief journey with perspective and gratitude, it is this. Your father lived a full life. He was productive, a man of integrity who has forever imprinted your heart with love and memories that will never leave you and will enrich your own life all your days. Yes, it was painful to watch him change and languish as Alzheimer’s robbed him of so much. But you and your sister and so many others were there for him right to the end, and he died enfolded in love. You have no cause for regrets. Loss sucks, any way you slice it. And I would never minimize the grief you are experiencing: grief is a butt-kicker. But think of all the years you HAD your lovely father and all you have to look back on with gratitude. I’d give anything to have been able to be there for my beautiful girl when no one had a clue she was on the edge and despairing of life. You have been blessed — and you ARE such a blessing! Life isn’t always easy, and things happen we cannot control or fix. I pray your heart will be strengthened with peace and assurance that will carry you past the tears, and fortify your inner resolve to make gratitude the lens through which you view your life. Hang in there, girl, and keep being a blessing! You are deeply appreciated and much loved <3
I’m so sorry for your loss Suzy. Through tears, I don’t know what to say. Your generosity sharing your journey and perspective have touched my heart beyond words. YOU are deeply appreciated and much loved. <3
Thanks for sharing your story. I too am caregiver to my Dad with Alzheimers who is now in long term care and my mom who spent the summer in hospital recovering from a broken neck and hip. I happened on your site and was inspired to try my hand at painting furniture. It is definitely therapy for me and helps me face the next round of visits watching the strong people who cared for you become so frail and dependant. I wish you peace in knowing you cared for your dad when he needed it .
Thank you Charmaine. And I know. When the roles reverse and we look after our parents it’s difficult and challenging… but it’s also the ultimate act of love. Stay strong. You’re an amazing daughter.
I’m so sorry to hear of your Dad’s passing. I know how you are feeling because I went thru the same thing with my Mom who was an Alzheimer’s patient. I was her caregiver for many years but finally had to place her in a nursing home. She became too hard for me to care for at home. The decision to move her out of her familiar surrounding and into a nursing home was truly heart-wrenching. The only peace I had when she passed was knowing she wasn’t suffering any longer. I will certainly keep you in my prayers as you struggle to move on with your life. Good luck and thanks for sharing your story.
Thanks Charlotte. I know exactly how you feel…thank you for sharing your story. XO
Thank you so much for sharing – ‘the first man I ever loved’. So touching. What a tribute and a blessing to have a love like that.
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s so sad and upsetting that there are many more stories just like it. Although we all have our very personal stories (our one of a kind stories) people with dementia and families of them share your frustration and. heartbreak. I feel your loss , your sadness, and your anger towards this dreadful disease. My mom was diagnosed with dementia 15 years ago. Some months were ok. Others were terrible. Now at 92 it’s day by day. Your story has me crying because it’s so real. Thank you again for sharing. We are not alone And we will get thru this I pray that God is merciful.
Thank you Donna. One thing Andrea and I have learned from this horrible disease is that you HAVE to take it day by day and appreciate the small moments that come your way. Your Mom is very lucky to have you.
What a lovely tribute to your Dad! I am so sorry for your loss….
Denise,
My condelences to you and your family with you Fathers passing. Your father sounded so loving and protective of his family! Thank you, for sharing your recent time with your father in his last days. You and your sister were blessed with a wonderful father.
My sister and I are currently struggling with my Mothers aging process, forgetfulness, confusion and mood swings and her fear. Our biological father was not present in our lives. Honestly, its reading stories like yours that give pause . . . maybe I did miss out on not having a father in my life(?)
Your commentary was so moving, and heartfelt. I applaud your courage, your thoughtfulness in sharing this personal time with your readers. Denise this is what is so speacial about you, you are always so open and willing to share with us. I dont find this in other websites and I have felt this way about you for a long time..
Thank you and our arms are around you ~
Carli E.
Thank you Carli — this really touches me and I SO appreciate you. You and your sister are lucky to have each other to lean on during this difficult time. Sisters are a blessing. It sounds like your Mother has raised 2 wonderful daughters.
As I sit and read your story my eyes are filled with tears and theres a lump in my throat. I can feel the pain and loss in your words and Im so sorry for your devastating loss. Training in aged care and finally caring for these amazingly beautiful people who suffered from this disease I too would leave work so bloody angry and in tears at this diseases cruel affects.
I can only send you and your family my deepest sympathies and hope you carry on being that strong and loving women your father raised you to be. Im sure he was and is very proud of u both.
Kindest regards Kaz xx
Thank you Kaz. And thank you for the wonderful amazing difficult work you do!
Thank you for sharing such a personal story. You honored your Dad well. Truly a horrible disease. He would be proud at the love and beautiful memories you not only felt for him, but shared about him. I am sorry for your loss. Thank God for memories. He continues to live on through you. ~hugs~
May his blessing be a memory to you and your sister.
My condolences to you as you continue to morn the loss of your father. This is a beautiful tribute to him and I pray God will bless you and your sister with comfort and peace after walking this long journey and dealing with all of its struggles. The silver lining is the person that you are because of him.
His beauty continues to live in you, it is obvious in your posts. You are ‘respectful’. You respect the pieces you acquire and the people who owned them prior. You’re ‘creative’, obviously. ‘Generous,’ as you are giving by sharing your knowledge and talents. You hold within you determination, patience and vision, or you would not be able to start or finish your projects. I’m sure these are just some of his strongest traits he passed on to you. It’s amazing that you are sharing the lessons he gave you to help others, both good and bad. He would be so very proud of you.
This has touched my heart because I’ve never viewed it this way. Thank you Amy. <3
What a lovely tribute to your Dad! Wishing you peace.
This is such a heartwarming post and the journey you and your family endured is so sad. You are so blessed to have a sister that shares in your grief and understand exactly how you feel and be there to comfort you. I pray for you to have the strength and remember the wonderful times you shared with your Dad. God Bless.
My deepest condolences for your loss. I understand so well what you are feeling. My dad was diagnosed with Alzheimers at the age of 58. He was a strong man and suffered from this terrible disease for 16 years. His last year’s he was bedridden and on a feeding tube. When he finally passed I felt like he died twice.
You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you KathyKat… and I’m so sorry for your loss as well. I know exactly what you mean when you say it feels “like he died twice”.
What a heart felt lovely story about Dad. You will cherish those memories forever. Revisit them from time to time. As you get older, you will remember insignificant moments – a smell, or view of something will remind you of him. For me, it’s usually in the spring or fall seasons when I see farmers planting or harvesting crops. My Dad was a true southern farmer and worked so hard to provide for his family. ❤️
Denise, I can’t tell you how very sorry I am for your loss. I wish I had the words to comfort you and your sister, but there are no words. Your beautiful heartfelt tribute to your Dad moved me to tears. You are very lucky to have had such a wonderful and caring father. Always keep that in your heart.
Thank you my friend. XO
Exactly!! Thank you for expressing my own thoughts that I haven’t the energy to express.
Blessings
All my love to you and your sister, and from the distance a hug so big and warm that I hope bring some relief.
Love
Josefina
I am so sorry for the huge loss you are feeling. Many blessings to you and your family. This post was obviously difficult to write, but so beautifully said. What a lovely tribute to your father. Without question, losing our parents is one of the hardest things we encounter.
Denise, thank you for sharing your intimate story of your Long Goodbye.. Your dad sounded like a great role model and teacher.. You are an awesome blessed girl.
Oh Denise, my sincerest condolences to you and your family. I’m so sorry for this journey. May you be divinely comforted during this most difficult time. ~~ Susie from The Chelsea Project
Thank you Susie. x
It is no wonder you are so talented . I see now where you got it from..
God Bless you and your family and prayers that all your wonderful memories will bring you peace.
Thanks Susan. xo
MY thoughts are with you.
What a difficult experience to go through and I agree that it’s a relief when someone we love so much is free from the pain.
Patty
Denise, my sincerest condolences. He sounded like such a great father.
He was… thank you Mary. x
Denise, I am so sorry for your loss and heartache. Pray that you find strength to live the life your Dad taught you to live. I also have my grandmother living with Alzheimer’s. Thank you for your beautiful words. Thank you for inspiring me to finish beautiful furniture.
Denise,
What a wonderful tribute you wrote for your Dad. He knows how much you and your sister loved him. Cherish the good time memories and push the not so good ones into the depths of your heart. never to be forgotten but never to overtake the beautiful happy years you had together. He is truly in a better place now… Free from the ugly clutches of the disease. My heartfelt sympathies to you and Andrea. Look for the sunshine…. It will come again and chase away the dark clouds.
Hugs
Judy
What a beautiful story. I have not endured Alzheimer’s in my life but I have suffered similarly watching my daughter suffer and slowly die over 16.5 years. I too was struck by the loving heart’s that surrounded and supported us during the difficult times. It occurred to me that never before had I seen the hearts of those around me as i did in such trying times. How grateful i was and remain today years later! Oh that we may all see the good in the hearts of others and ourselves! Unfortunate as it may be that we are at our best when times are their worst and we learn to be more like Christ through our suffering. Im sorry for you and all those who suffer the loss of a loved one but I pray they all are blessed with the gifts we mutually know. God bless you. I KNOW you will be reunited in time..
Thank you for this Pat. And I know what you mean. I have no idea what my sister and I would have done without the loving kindness of Dad’s caregivers, doctors, neighbors, pharmacist, friends and family. I totally understand your gratitude in what must have been a devastating journey.
Beautifully said… I shed tears as I read your journey, God at least makes that person unaware of the ugly part of the disease. However it is so terrible to see your loved ones do something they would have NEVER done when they were well. Concentrate on what you had…. not what you have lost, the treasure stays in your heart forever.
God said there was a time to morn but the joy of having a father who cherished you and was a fun and honorable man will live in your hearts. Hopefully those traits will be passed on to the following generations..
God Bless you and your family.
I’m truly sorry for your loss. I’ve been there as well. The blessing is that his struggle is finally over and at peace. In time………your memories will fade to all of this pain you bear to……..remembering the good times and funny things that have been in your relationship with your father. My tears were all shed during the trials. It’mwas like losing him everyday. But the sadness turns to peace and relief that the suffering is no longer. Time is the blessing for healing. Blessings to you and your family.
So sorry for your loss. I remember how sad/angry/mournful /relieved my brothers & I felt once my mom was finally diagnosed with this horrible disease. Mourn the man your dad was before alzheimers disease, not what it stole ffrom your dad. Hugs.
I feel your pain completely! I lost my father in June and have found my strength in this by remembering the man and father he was. He never spoke ill of anyone, never complained and when asked by anyone, “How are you doing?” His answer was always “Terrific, just terrific” with a great smile. He was always positive, and like your dad, could do and help, with almost anything. I learned so much from working along side with him. I hear him in my heart when I struggle with a project. Even in his failing years, he always smiled and gave me some glimpses that he was still in there, loving me. What a treasure we both have!
Thank you for the opportunity to express my thoughts publicly, yet anonymously.
Thank YOU Gail, for sharing your father with me. He sounds like he was amazing and yes, what a treasure we both have. I also hear my Dad while working away.
I am so sorry for your loss. The love you have for your dad is sweet! I pray your good memories will comfort you always! Hugs to you and your darling sister.
Oh sweet Denise, I’ve been following you for years and I remember you writing about taking your Dad for rides for your furniture! And just in case you think your dried your tears I just cried them all for you. I bet it helped to let us all know the man your Dad was! How lucky you have been, as I have been a product of a missing Dad. However our Wonderful God blessed me with three beautiful girls who have a Dad like yours. It’s such a joy watching them love on their Daddy-o even especially as adults! Thank you for sharing that beautiful tribute about your Dad and I hope and pray you’ll have nothing but beautiful memories to ponder on.
Thank you Kimberly. x
Prayers & condolences Denise ! My heart feels your pain. 💕 Cynthia
Crying with. I also had an amazing Dad. God bless
I am so very sorry for the loss of your Dad. Thank you for sharing your story, May the Lord bring you and your family peace in the days and months ahead.
I am so sorry for the heart ache and loss. I know it well as I cared for my mother as she battled ovarian cancer. I miss her dearly and wish I could have one more good day with her.
Please accept my sincere condolences for your Dad’s passing. I, too, was blessed with an awesome father. Sadly, he passed when I was 39, not of Alzheimer’s, but after several debilitating strokes. Your tribute to your father was touching. You captured his steadfast, love and selfless nature. Your beautiful tribute sounded as if I were reading about my father. I am 73 years old and he is still with me in spirit. I hear his wisdom and encouragement in my heart every day. How very blessed you and I are to have been given the priceless gift of wonderful, loving, dedicated fathers. I never stop thanking God for the gift of my father. May you be comforted beyond measure. You are carrying on his legacy with your wonderful work.
We are both blessed. I thank you for sharing this with me Marilyn. XO
Oh Denise, what a beautiful blog. I am so sad for you, be brave but allow yourself to grieve. You have wonderful memories that in time will overtake that grief.
My thoughts are with you
with love
Julie
x
Thank you Julie. xo
Denise
So so sorry for the loss of your father. It is very hard to lose a parent. Keep strong and blessed in your memories of your great dad.